Many people think autism is the end of the world. Growing up, I felt the same way too.
It is not. I was wrong. They are wrong. My life has taught me that autism is just another challenge. It is a hindrance that can be overcome with unwavering determination. Defeating autism makes you stronger than the average person! If you or someone you know has autism, please read and share my story!
Twenty years ago, I was diagnosed with autism?more specifically, Asperger Syndrome. Both are spectrum disorders frequently measured by delayed cognitive development, social awkwardness, and intense, narrow interests. Their symptoms?and the labels themselves?isolated me from my average neurotypical, secular peers for most of my childhood. It was almost as bad as being Jewish in secular society?
?which I also was. I was often bullied for my big nose (which was not actually big, just a Jewish stereotype), for my heritage, and for my religion. I was even asked at one point if I killed Jesus. I felt scrawny, weak, and helpless?
?which I also was. I had low growth hormone levels. Not only was my cognitive growth delayed; my physiological growth was stunted, too. I could have injected myself with growth hormone as if I were livestock (or A-Rod), but even at 13, I said no because I chose to grow naturally. Even when I reached an average height, I routinely beat myself up for not being taller. At least I didn?t have braces?
Actually, I did. For TEN YEARS. From the beginning of second grade to the end of high school, I wore dental braces (mostly unnecessarily). Talk about a social life?
?which didn?t really exist. For the most part, I was the kid that was rejected and neglected by peers. When I approached them, they either completely ignored me or outright bullied me. My acquaintances, for the most part, used me as a resource. I didn?t have a true friend until I was 16. In the end, he was false.
However, I did eventually have friends. Many of them didn?t understand me and capitalized on my extremely low self-confidence instead. I remember quite vividly my friends doing nothing at my 18th birthday party when the valedictorian and his friend?the valedictorian of another school??pantsed? me as I lit the candles on the cake. I will never forget how my ?comrades? did nothing when their friends called me ?awkward?, ?Gonzo?, and ?short? to my face in public. Just like Israel, I was regularly cut down for standing up for myself. Even through college, many of ?my closest friends? treated me like a resource. I often felt that I had to be physically present to be remembered. For more about how it felt to be me, you can read this poem:
The Untouchable
Yet, somehow, I survived. It wasn?t easy. I endured such severe depression from those feelings of loneliness and worthlessness that during my sophomore year of college, I turned myself in to the nearest psych ward. I spent three days there until my suicidal emotions disappeared. Even after my release, I was still overcome with sorrow and overwhelming social disappointment. Every night for the next two years, I would cry until I went numb. In the painless haze, I slowly drifted into sleep. I had internalized the rejection of my peers.
?We will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.?
?Martin Luther King, Jr.
In their silence, I found the music that changed me. Through rock and roll I learned how to cope with my emotions. Thanks to bands like Aerosmith (?Dream On?) and the Who (?Behind Blue Eyes?, ?Eminence Front?, ?Another Tricky Day?), I found profundity, empathy, compassion, wisdom, and strength in the wasteland that had become my life. In the process, I learned that I had the power to change my circumstances. I began to stand up for myself. I also became funnier.
Through shows like ?Saturday Night Live?, ?The Daily Show?, and ?The Colbert Report?, I learned wit, satire, and comedy, and developed the sense of humor that held me taut in times of crisis. From Tae-kwon-do and anime, I learned discipline, self-control, and integrity?the very core of my philosophy. Through introspective writing, I began to understand myself and my circumstances with greater clarity. By studying Judaism and subsequently travelling to Israel in December 2012, I found the courage to fully conquer the demons of my depression. For the first time, I unflinchingly believed in myself.
As for romance, it has never existed for me. To this day, I have never been kissed. Yes, I am still a virgin. Though some of the situation is beyond my control, for the most part I have chosen this path. I don?t need any of Paul McCartney?s ?Silly Love Songs?. I don?t need yours, either. I don?t want to play your perverted game of hookup cat-and-mouse. Because I know how it feels to be used (and that two wrongs don?t make a right), I have bluntly turned down girls who wanted physicality without emotional attachment. I will continue to do so, too, because I find intrinsic qualities like genuine empathy and integrity sexy. Because those things?like virginity itself?are so rare in my Millennial generation, I have found pride in my solitude.
Looking back, I realize that I would be nothing without my differences. Without my Asperger Syndrome, without my autism, without my Judaism, without my suffering, I would be just another face in the crowd. Because of those things (and in spite of society?s stigmas) I found depth and meaning in my life. Because of my challenges I can relate to the suffering of others and suffer with them. My deceptively insurmountable struggles motivate me to protect others from feeling as helpless as I once did.
Because of my experiences, I firmly believe that individuals have the power to change their circumstances for the better if they work ethically toward their goals. I will use my story to make that belief a reality. Please help me show the world its potential!
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Source: http://thewrittenblit.com/2013/02/08/speaking-up-overcoming-asperger-syndrome/
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